Fatherhood 2021

Lilith is turning THIRTEEN? It is difficult to even write those words because…wasn’t it just yesterday that I was watching them be born? Wasn’t it yesterday that I was holding them for the first time?

Fatherhood is hard, and I often feel conflicted because I am proud of the amazing human being that Lilith is growing up to be while missing them running to me and saying, “I love you, Daddy!” or “Pick me up!”

This last year has been brutal for everyone, and I can’t imagine how difficult it was for Lilith to be stuck in their room on school Zoom calls for 8-10 hours, with no real contact with friends and very few activities. Every night when I would get home, I would go to their room and give them a hug and say, “I love you!” – and that would be it for most of the night because there was so much homework to do, or they just needed to chill and wash the day away. I felt a palpable sense of loss watching Lilith deal with all the pain of the pandemic and every day it broke my heart that there was so little I could do to make it better.

As I was sorting through all the photos from last year, it felt like we were hardly together. My heart breaks every time I think of all the missed moments we lost and will never get back. Lilith was in class at home or locked away in an office in the Lab, and I was working all the time just to keep our doors open. I missed Lilith every single day.

I know that this series is supposed to be all about the joy of Fatherhood, but this one is bittersweet. The past two years have been so painful, and sometimes it hurts to know that I am not the center of their world anymore. I will never doubt that Lilith loves me and we do have so many great moments together, but those moments feel farther and farther apart and I sometimes cry when Lilith ignores me. That’s a reality of fatherhood, too. I miss that little kid even though I adore the teenager that they have become. I love Lilith, plain and simple.

Lilith will read this someday and know that I love them more than anything. Maybe I will even get a hug and a “Dad! Pick me up!”

I am always here for you, Lilith. I always will be. I love you infinity.

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