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  Dee Beard Oil

  John Dee: master of science, alchemy and magic, Hermetic philosopher in the schools of Rosicrucian Christian Mysticism and Platonic-Pythagorean doctrine, and Queen Elizabeth’s astrologer, advisor, cryptologist and spy. With Edward Kelly, he created a field of study and work in Angelic Evocation, and isolated the Angelic language: Enochian. His scent is soft English leather, rosewood and tonka with a hint of incense, parchment and soft woods.

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  Byronic Antihero Beard Oil

  He stood – some dread was on his face,
  Soon Hatred settled in its place:
  It rose not with the reddening flush
  Of transient Anger’s hasty blush,
  But pale as marble o’er the tomb,
  Whose ghastly whiteness aids its gloom.
  His brow was bent, his eye was glazed;
  He raised his arm, and fiercely raised,
  And sternly shook his hand on high,
  As doubting to return or fly;
  Impatient of his flight delay’d,
  Here loud his raven charger neigh’d —
  Down glanced that hand, and grasp’d his blade;
  That sound had burst his waking dream,
  As Slumber starts at owlet’s scream,
  The spur hath lanced his courser’s sides;
  Away, away, for life he rides:
  Swift as the hurl’d on high jerreed
  Springs to the touch his startled steed:
  The rock is doubled, and the shore
  Shakes with the clattering tramp no more:
  The crag is won, no more is seen
  His Christian crest and haughty mien.
  ‘T was but an instant he restrain’d
  That fiery barb so sternly rein’d;
  ‘T was but a moment that he stood,
  Then sped as if by death pursued;
  But in that instant o’er his soul
  Winters of Memory seem’d to roll,
  And gather in that drop of time
  A life of pain, an age of crime.
  O’er him who loves, or hates, or fears,
  Such moment pours the grief of years:
  What felt he then, at once opprest
  By all that most distracts the breast?
  That pause, which ponder’d o’er his fate,
  Oh, who its dreary length shall date !
  Though in Time’s record nearly nought,
  It was Eternity to Thought !
  For infinite as boundless space
  The thought that Conscience must embrace,
  Which in itself can comprehend
  Woe without name, or hope, or end.
  – The Giaour, Lord Byron

  An aristocratic cologne of titanic passions, moody and brooding. This scent is dark with disillusionment and cynicism: a Victorian fougère and a dashing carnation boutonniere tainted by a cloud of khus, yew, and patchouli.

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  Dwarven Lustre Beard Oil

  Dwarves have the highest standards in beard care, and we aim to please even the grimmest and grouchiest of the lot. Patchouli root, golden amber coins, jewel-bright red musk, mineral oudh, and sweet ale.

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  Aristotle Beard Oil

  ARISTOTLE of Stagira (384 BCE – 322 BCE)

  His Poetica saved the cat 23 centuries before the first screenwriting how-to book.

  The history of Western logic begins with his Organon.

  Aristotle studied under Plato, who studied under Socrates, and this ancient Greek beardy trinity became known as the “fathers of Western philosophy.”

  The founder of the Peripatetic school (named for his custom of walking as he lectured), Aristotle systematically examined human endeavor and the natural world. Though some of his ideas were just plain inaccurate, he not only invented an early version of the scientific method, he was first to categorize similar living things by group, and sorted his treatises by topic (ethics, semantics, economics, politics, religion, zoology, biology, physics) substantially as we study and practice the arts and sciences today.

  Aristotle’s writing blew away contemporaries; yet of 200 works, all that remain are a few dozen crummy sets of lecture notes and compilations by students and students of students.

  We may have lost his legendary eloquence, but even the literary shadows of his original compositions illuminate our thinking a couple of thousand years later.

  If you are the type who likes to stroke your beard and think or to pace and stroke your beard and think, or to pace and stroke your chin and think – for do we have incontrovertible proof he had a beard? – Aristotle will give you something to think… about your beard.

  Gentlemen, see Historia Animalium, Book III, Ch. 11:

  In some cases among men the upper lip and the chin is thickly covered with hair, and in other cases these parts are smooth and the cheeks are hairy; and, by the way, smooth-chinned men are less inclined than bearded men to baldness.

  Ladies, see Historia Animalium, Book III, Ch. 11, a few paragraphs earlier:

  Women do not grow hairs on the chin; except that a scanty beard grows on some women after the monthly courses have stopped; and similar phenomenon is observed at times in priestesses in Caria, but these cases are looked upon as portentous with regard to coming events.

  Thinking about starting an argument? If you’re not starting with Aristotle, maybe you’re not doing it right.

  Oman frankincense, Greek sage, and white juniper.

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