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  Midnight on the Midway Perfume Oil

  Lightning splits the sky, illuminating the skeletal skyline of the carnival rides: sugared incense, flickering blue musk, and night-blooming flowers.

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  Lemon-Scented Sticky Bat Perfume Oil

  …last week Maddy woke me up early in the morning.

  “Daddy,” she said, “There’s a bat on the kitchen window.”

  “Grumphle,” I said and went back to sleep.

  Soon, she woke me up again. “I did a drawing of the bat on the kitchen window,” she said, and showed me her drawing. For a five year old she’s a very good artist. It was a schematic of the kitchen windows, showing a bat on one of the windows.

  “Very nice dear,” I said. Then I went back to sleep.

  When I went downstairs…

  We have, instead of dangling fly papers, transparent strips of gluey clear plastic, about six inches long and an inch high, stuck to the windows on the ground floor. When they accumulate enough flies, you peel them off the window and throw them away.

  There was a bat stuck to one. He was facing out into the room. “I think he’s dead,” said my assistant Lorraine.

  I peeled the plastic off the window. The bat hissed at me.

  “Nope,” I said. “He’s fine. Just stuck.”

  The question then became, how does one get a bat (skin and fur) off a fly-strip. Luckily, I bethought me of the Bram Stoker award. After the door had fallen off (see earler in this topic) I had bought some citrus solvent to take the old glue to reglue the door on.

  So I dripped citrus solvent onto the grumpy bat, edging him off the plastic with a twig, until a lemon-scented sticky bat crawled onto a newspaper. Which I put on the top of a high woodpile, and watched the bat crawl into the logs. With any luck he was as right as rain the following night…

  Sticky-sweet iced lemon sugar!

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  The Wellerman Perfume Oil

  There was a ship that put to sea,
  And the name of the ship was the Billy at Tea
  The wind came up, her bow dipped down,
  Blow, my bully boys, blow.

  Soon may the Wellerman come
  And bring us sugar and tea and rum.
  One day, when the tonguin’ is done,
  We’ll take our leave and go.

  She had not been two weeks from shore
  When down on her a right whale bore.
  The captain called all hands and swore
  He’d take that whale in tow.

  Before the boat had hit the water
  The whale’s tail came up and caught her.
  All hands to the side, harpooned and fought her,
  She dived down below.

  A line we dropped all in pursuit
  She raised her tail, a last salute.
  But the harpoon lodged there’s no dispute
  She dived down below.

  For six long days and six long nights
  She drove us south with all her might,
  Until we were too tired to fight,
  Then we let her go.

  The line was cut, the whale was freed;
  The Captain’s mind was not on greed.
  He belonged to the sailor’s creed
  And he let that whale go.

  Sugar, tea, and rum.

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  Snake Oil: 2009 Vintage Perfume Oil

  Back in 2009, we bottled a hooch-jug of Snake Oil and put it aside in a cool, dark nook. We’ll be selling the fruits of our labor and patience in 100 bottle increments.

  We will be making announcements prior to each hundred-bottle release.

  By far, our most popular scent! Magnetic, mysterious, and exceedingly sexual in nature. Our signature scent, deep, rich earthy notes swirled with vegetal musks, sugared vanilla bean, and dark spices.
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