Beard Oil
Our gently-scented oils are a magnificent grooming tool that will moisturize both your beard and your skin. Black Phoenix beard oils add a healthy, gleaming shine while taming and softening your whiskers!
The ridiculous marketing for our beard oils is a parody of Victorian quack medicine and snake oil peddlers. Our beard oils will NOT cure anything – neither giddiness, nor dolorous spiritual complaints – and our ridiculous copywriting is, as they say, jokeses. HOWEVER, they will likely banish miasma.
Black Phoenix’s Beard Oil is paraben and sulfate free, and contains no petro-chemicals, no GMOs, and no triclosan!
BLACK PHOENIX ABHORS ANIMAL TESTING
All Black Phoenix Products are tested on Doc Constantine himself! (Plus friends and family.)
Please exercise common sense when using our beard oils: do not eat, do not snort, do not drink, do not pour into eyes, etc.
If irritation occurs, discontinue use immediately.
Presented in a one ounce amber bottle with dropper top.
Jojoba oil, argan oil, rosehip seed oil, evening primrose oil, grapeseed oil, rosemary oleoresin extract, and Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab fragrance.
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A Kingdom of Dust and Despair Beard Oil
Add to cartThe scent of a forsaken land: cracked earth, gasoline seeping into sun-scorched sand. The scent of balsam and leather drifts across desolate dunes the glimmer dully with shards of frankincense.
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Aristotle Beard Oil
Add to cartARISTOTLE of Stagira (384 BCE – 322 BCE)
His Poetica saved the cat 23 centuries before the first screenwriting how-to book.
The history of Western logic begins with his Organon.
Aristotle studied under Plato, who studied under Socrates, and this ancient Greek beardy trinity became known as the “fathers of Western philosophy.”
The founder of the Peripatetic school (named for his custom of walking as he lectured), Aristotle systematically examined human endeavor and the natural world. Though some of his ideas were just plain inaccurate, he not only invented an early version of the scientific method, he was first to categorize similar living things by group, and sorted his treatises by topic (ethics, semantics, economics, politics, religion, zoology, biology, physics) substantially as we study and practice the arts and sciences today.
Aristotle’s writing blew away contemporaries; yet of 200 works, all that remain are a few dozen crummy sets of lecture notes and compilations by students and students of students.
We may have lost his legendary eloquence, but even the literary shadows of his original compositions illuminate our thinking a couple of thousand years later.
If you are the type who likes to stroke your beard and think or to pace and stroke your beard and think, or to pace and stroke your chin and think – for do we have incontrovertible proof he had a beard? – Aristotle will give you something to think… about your beard.
Gentlemen, see Historia Animalium, Book III, Ch. 11:
In some cases among men the upper lip and the chin is thickly covered with hair, and in other cases these parts are smooth and the cheeks are hairy; and, by the way, smooth-chinned men are less inclined than bearded men to baldness.
Ladies, see Historia Animalium, Book III, Ch. 11, a few paragraphs earlier:
Women do not grow hairs on the chin; except that a scanty beard grows on some women after the monthly courses have stopped; and similar phenomenon is observed at times in priestesses in Caria, but these cases are looked upon as portentous with regard to coming events.
Thinking about starting an argument? If you’re not starting with Aristotle, maybe you’re not doing it right.
Oman frankincense, Greek sage, and white juniper.
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Aziraphale Beard Oil
Out of StockMany people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide. Two of these were wrong; Heaven is not England, whatever certain poets may have thought, and angels are sexless unless they really want to make an effort.
Ethereal musk, blonde woods, and dusty Bible accord. -
Bram Stoker Beard Oil
Add to cartNo man knows till he has suffered from the night how sweet and dear to his heart and eye the morning can be.
Bourbon vetiver with opoponax, Italian bergamot, and hay absolute.
Illustrated by Abigail Larson.
Purchase the tee here!
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Byronic Antihero Beard Oil
Add to cartHe stood – some dread was on his face,
Soon Hatred settled in its place:
It rose not with the reddening flush
Of transient Anger’s hasty blush,
But pale as marble o’er the tomb,
Whose ghastly whiteness aids its gloom.
His brow was bent, his eye was glazed;
He raised his arm, and fiercely raised,
And sternly shook his hand on high,
As doubting to return or fly;
Impatient of his flight delay’d,
Here loud his raven charger neigh’d —
Down glanced that hand, and grasp’d his blade;
That sound had burst his waking dream,
As Slumber starts at owlet’s scream,
The spur hath lanced his courser’s sides;
Away, away, for life he rides:
Swift as the hurl’d on high jerreed
Springs to the touch his startled steed:
The rock is doubled, and the shore
Shakes with the clattering tramp no more:
The crag is won, no more is seen
His Christian crest and haughty mien.
‘T was but an instant he restrain’d
That fiery barb so sternly rein’d;
‘T was but a moment that he stood,
Then sped as if by death pursued;
But in that instant o’er his soul
Winters of Memory seem’d to roll,
And gather in that drop of time
A life of pain, an age of crime.
O’er him who loves, or hates, or fears,
Such moment pours the grief of years:
What felt he then, at once opprest
By all that most distracts the breast?
That pause, which ponder’d o’er his fate,
Oh, who its dreary length shall date !
Though in Time’s record nearly nought,
It was Eternity to Thought !
For infinite as boundless space
The thought that Conscience must embrace,
Which in itself can comprehend
Woe without name, or hope, or end.
– The Giaour, Lord ByronAn aristocratic cologne of titanic passions, moody and brooding. This scent is dark with disillusionment and cynicism: a Victorian fougère and a dashing carnation boutonniere tainted by a cloud of khus, yew, and patchouli.
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Crowley Beard Oil
Out of StockNothing about him looked particularly demonic, at least by classical standards. No horns, no wings. Admittedly he was listening to a Best of Queen tape, but no conclusions should be drawn from this because all tapes left in a car for more than a fortnights metamorphose into Best of Queen albums. No particularly demonic thoughts were going through his head. In fact, he was wondering vaguely who Moey and Chandon were.
Crowley had dark hair, and good cheekbones, and he was wearing snakeskin shoes, or at least presumably he was wearing shoes, and he could do really weird things with his tongue. And, whenever he forgot himself, he had a tendency to hiss.
Infernal musk, red patchouli, lilac cologne, mahogany, lemon rind, oakmoss, leather, and vanilla husk. -
Daddy by EFFY Beard Oil
Add to cartNot all daddies have beards, and not all beards belong to daddies! That’s why EFFY’s unisex fragrance DADDY by EFFY is now available as a perfume blend and a beard oil, to make sure your bases are covered. (Note: do not apply to your third base area! Face-beards only, por favor.)
The scent is the same! A roll in the hay with a sexy demon daddy: a diabolical incense with a splash of bay rum and a hiss of infernal fougere.
Label photo credit: Jordan Nachole Hall
The accompanying perfume oil can be found here.
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Dee Beard Oil
Add to cartJohn Dee: master of science, alchemy and magic, Hermetic philosopher in the schools of Rosicrucian Christian Mysticism and Platonic-Pythagorean doctrine, and Queen Elizabeth’s astrologer, advisor, cryptologist and spy. With Edward Kelly, he created a field of study and work in Angelic Evocation, and isolated the Angelic language: Enochian. His scent is soft English leather, rosewood and tonka with a hint of incense, parchment and soft woods.
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Dorian Beard Oil
Add to cartThe only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself.
Inspired by and created for my beloved Tedwin: my eternal, beautiful, wicked Dorian Gray. Refined, elegant, and lovely, with a noble bearing and seemingly gentle air. This blend is an artful deception: a sweet gilded blossom lying over a twisted and corrupted core. A Victorian fougere with three pale musks and dark, sugared vanilla tea.
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Dwarven Lustre Beard Oil
Add to cartDwarves have the highest standards in beard care, and we aim to please even the grimmest and grouchiest of the lot. Patchouli root, golden amber coins, jewel-bright red musk, mineral oudh, and sweet ale.
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Jolly Roger Beard Oil
Add to cartSea spray with an undercurrent of leather, Bay Rum, and salty, dry woods.
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Lich, Please Beard Oil
Add to cartEven the undead need to look sharp. Crypt moss and coffin wood, incense smoke and shards of bone.
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Masala Chai Beard Oil
Add to cartAssam and Darjeeling tea, milk, and jaggery with a blend of cardamom, ginger, cinnamon, star anise, pepper, and fennel seed.
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Socius Beard Oil
Add to cartA solid, steadfast blend of patchouli, smoked vanilla husk, ambergris accord, and tawny oudh.
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Sugared Cardamom Tea Beard Oil
Add to cartBlack tea and roasted cardamom with cream and a dollop of sugar.
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Supahwizard Beard Oil
Add to cartAre you a famous, gruff, all-powerful sage shacked up in a quaint local village, dispensing advice to adventurers? Have you sent any hobbits on quests? Died battling epic demons, only to rise again? Are you the wisest, most venerable wizard in town? Well, you don’t have to be – but you can fake it with our Supahwizard Beard Oil!
Frankincense, sweet pipe tobacco, and the well-worn leather and parchment of ancient tomes.
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The Antikythera Mechanism Beard Oil
Out of StockBronze gears spin inside a polished wooden case, and an entire universe dances within.
Teakwood, oak, black vanilla, and tobacco. -
The Skeletal Remains of Civilization Beard Oil
Add to cartA symphony of rust and fire: dust-blasted leather and the jagged concrete and steel teeth of time-blasted ruins, spattered with blood, choked with smoke, and thrumming with the distant drone of engines.
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Veins of Oil Like Lifeblood Beard Oil
Add to cartGlobs of bubbling tar and rivulets of motor oil oozing through the grooves of rusted scavenged steel.
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Villain Beard Oil
Add to cartA classic Victorian cologne: lavender fougere, with hints of lilac, lime, and citrus musk.
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