Body & Beauty
Body & Beauty - Beard Oil
Our gently-scented oils are a magnificent grooming tool that will moisturize both your beard and your skin. Black Phoenix beard oils add a healthy, gleaming shine while taming and softening your whiskers!
The ridiculous marketing for our beard oils is a parody of Victorian quack medicine and snake oil peddlers. Our beard oils will NOT cure anything – neither giddiness, nor dolorous spiritual complaints – and our ridiculous copywriting is, as they say, jokeses. HOWEVER, they will likely banish miasma.
Black Phoenix’s Beard Oil is paraben and sulfate free, and contains no petro-chemicals, no GMOs, and no triclosan!
BLACK PHOENIX ABHORS ANIMAL TESTING
All Black Phoenix Products are tested on Doc Constantine himself! (Plus friends and family.)
Please exercise common sense when using our beard oils: do not eat, do not snort, do not drink, do not pour into eyes, etc.
If irritation occurs, discontinue use immediately.
Presented in a one ounce amber bottle with dropper top.
Jojoba oil, argan oil, rosehip seed oil, evening primrose oil, grapeseed oil, rosemary oleoresin extract, and Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab fragrance.
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Aristotle Beard Oil
Add to cartARISTOTLE of Stagira (384 BCE – 322 BCE)
His Poetica saved the cat 23 centuries before the first screenwriting how-to book.
The history of Western logic begins with his Organon.
Aristotle studied under Plato, who studied under Socrates, and this ancient Greek beardy trinity became known as the “fathers of Western philosophy.”
The founder of the Peripatetic school (named for his custom of walking as he lectured), Aristotle systematically examined human endeavor and the natural world. Though some of his ideas were just plain inaccurate, he not only invented an early version of the scientific method, he was first to categorize similar living things by group, and sorted his treatises by topic (ethics, semantics, economics, politics, religion, zoology, biology, physics) substantially as we study and practice the arts and sciences today.
Aristotle’s writing blew away contemporaries; yet of 200 works, all that remain are a few dozen crummy sets of lecture notes and compilations by students and students of students.
We may have lost his legendary eloquence, but even the literary shadows of his original compositions illuminate our thinking a couple of thousand years later.
If you are the type who likes to stroke your beard and think or to pace and stroke your beard and think, or to pace and stroke your chin and think – for do we have incontrovertible proof he had a beard? – Aristotle will give you something to think… about your beard.
Gentlemen, see Historia Animalium, Book III, Ch. 11:
In some cases among men the upper lip and the chin is thickly covered with hair, and in other cases these parts are smooth and the cheeks are hairy; and, by the way, smooth-chinned men are less inclined than bearded men to baldness.
Ladies, see Historia Animalium, Book III, Ch. 11, a few paragraphs earlier:
Women do not grow hairs on the chin; except that a scanty beard grows on some women after the monthly courses have stopped; and similar phenomenon is observed at times in priestesses in Caria, but these cases are looked upon as portentous with regard to coming events.
Thinking about starting an argument? If you’re not starting with Aristotle, maybe you’re not doing it right.
Oman frankincense, Greek sage, and white juniper.
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Aziraphale Beard Oil
Add to cartMany people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide. Two of these were wrong; Heaven is not England, whatever certain poets may have thought, and angels are sexless unless they really want to make an effort.
Ethereal musk, blonde woods, and dusty Bible accord. -
Bram Stoker Beard Oil
Add to cartNo man knows till he has suffered from the night how sweet and dear to his heart and eye the morning can be.
Bourbon vetiver with opoponax, Italian bergamot, and hay absolute.
Illustrated by Abigail Larson.
Purchase the tee here!
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Byronic Antihero Beard Oil
Add to cartHe stood – some dread was on his face,
Soon Hatred settled in its place:
It rose not with the reddening flush
Of transient Anger’s hasty blush,
But pale as marble o’er the tomb,
Whose ghastly whiteness aids its gloom.
His brow was bent, his eye was glazed;
He raised his arm, and fiercely raised,
And sternly shook his hand on high,
As doubting to return or fly;
Impatient of his flight delay’d,
Here loud his raven charger neigh’d —
Down glanced that hand, and grasp’d his blade;
That sound had burst his waking dream,
As Slumber starts at owlet’s scream,
The spur hath lanced his courser’s sides;
Away, away, for life he rides:
Swift as the hurl’d on high jerreed
Springs to the touch his startled steed:
The rock is doubled, and the shore
Shakes with the clattering tramp no more:
The crag is won, no more is seen
His Christian crest and haughty mien.
‘T was but an instant he restrain’d
That fiery barb so sternly rein’d;
‘T was but a moment that he stood,
Then sped as if by death pursued;
But in that instant o’er his soul
Winters of Memory seem’d to roll,
And gather in that drop of time
A life of pain, an age of crime.
O’er him who loves, or hates, or fears,
Such moment pours the grief of years:
What felt he then, at once opprest
By all that most distracts the breast?
That pause, which ponder’d o’er his fate,
Oh, who its dreary length shall date !
Though in Time’s record nearly nought,
It was Eternity to Thought !
For infinite as boundless space
The thought that Conscience must embrace,
Which in itself can comprehend
Woe without name, or hope, or end.
– The Giaour, Lord ByronAn aristocratic cologne of titanic passions, moody and brooding. This scent is dark with disillusionment and cynicism: a Victorian fougère and a dashing carnation boutonniere tainted by a cloud of khus, yew, and patchouli.
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Crowley Beard Oil
Add to cartNothing about him looked particularly demonic, at least by classical standards. No horns, no wings. Admittedly he was listening to a Best of Queen tape, but no conclusions should be drawn from this because all tapes left in a car for more than a fortnights metamorphose into Best of Queen albums. No particularly demonic thoughts were going through his head. In fact, he was wondering vaguely who Moey and Chandon were.
Crowley had dark hair, and good cheekbones, and he was wearing snakeskin shoes, or at least presumably he was wearing shoes, and he could do really weird things with his tongue. And, whenever he forgot himself, he had a tendency to hiss.
Infernal musk, red patchouli, lilac cologne, mahogany, lemon rind, oakmoss, leather, and vanilla husk. -
Daddy by EFFY Beard Oil
Add to cartNot all daddies have beards, and not all beards belong to daddies! That’s why EFFY’s unisex fragrance DADDY by EFFY is now available as a perfume blend and a beard oil, to make sure your bases are covered. (Note: do not apply to your third base area! Face-beards only, por favor.)
The scent is the same! A roll in the hay with a sexy demon daddy: a diabolical incense with a splash of bay rum and a hiss of infernal fougere.
Label photo credit: Jordan Nachole Hall
The accompanying perfume oil can be found here.
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Dee Beard Oil
Add to cartJohn Dee: master of science, alchemy and magic, Hermetic philosopher in the schools of Rosicrucian Christian Mysticism and Platonic-Pythagorean doctrine, and Queen Elizabeth’s astrologer, advisor, cryptologist and spy. With Edward Kelly, he created a field of study and work in Angelic Evocation, and isolated the Angelic language: Enochian. His scent is soft English leather, rosewood and tonka with a hint of incense, parchment and soft woods.
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Dorian Beard Oil
Add to cartThe only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself.
Inspired by and created for my beloved Tedwin: my eternal, beautiful, wicked Dorian Gray. Refined, elegant, and lovely, with a noble bearing and seemingly gentle air. This blend is an artful deception: a sweet gilded blossom lying over a twisted and corrupted core. A Victorian fougere with three pale musks and dark, sugared vanilla tea.
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Dwarven Lustre Beard Oil
Add to cartDwarves have the highest standards in beard care, and we aim to please even the grimmest and grouchiest of the lot. Patchouli root, golden amber coins, jewel-bright red musk, mineral oudh, and sweet ale.
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Jolly Roger Beard Oil
Add to cartSea spray with an undercurrent of leather, Bay Rum, and salty, dry woods.
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Lich, Please Beard Oil
Add to cartEven the undead need to look sharp. Crypt moss and coffin wood, incense smoke and shards of bone.
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Socius Beard Oil
Add to cartA solid, steadfast blend of patchouli, smoked vanilla husk, ambergris accord, and tawny oudh.
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Supahwizard Beard Oil
Add to cartAre you a famous, gruff, all-powerful sage shacked up in a quaint local village, dispensing advice to adventurers? Have you sent any hobbits on quests? Died battling epic demons, only to rise again? Are you the wisest, most venerable wizard in town? Well, you don’t have to be – but you can fake it with our Supahwizard Beard Oil!
Frankincense, sweet pipe tobacco, and the well-worn leather and parchment of ancient tomes.
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The Antikythera Mechanism Beard Oil
Add to cartBronze gears spin inside a polished wooden case, and an entire universe dances within.
Teakwood, oak, black vanilla, and tobacco. -
Villain Beard Oil
Out of StockA classic Victorian cologne: lavender fougere, with hints of lilac, lime, and citrus musk.
Body & Beauty - Hair Gloss
Black Phoenix’s Hair Gloss is paraben and sulfate free, and contains no petro-chemicals, no GMOs, and no triclosan.
Our hair gloss has a six-month shelf life.
Handmade by Black Phoenix. As always, no animals were harmed during the creation of this product, and all products were tested on friends and family.
Please exercise common sense when using our HAIR GLOSS: do not eat, do not snort, do not drink, do not pour into eyes, etc. If irritation occurs, discontinue use immediately.
Cyclomethicone, botanisil, Vitamin E, argan oil, Tahitian monoi oil, camelina oil, and karanja oil.
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Alice Hair Gloss
Out of StockCuriouser and curiouser. Milk and honey with rose, carnation and bergamot.
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Aziraphale Hair Gloss
Add to cartMany people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide. Two of these were wrong; Heaven is not England, whatever certain poets may have thought, and angels are sexless unless they really want to make an effort.
Ethereal musk, blonde woods, and dusty Bible accord. -
Bastet Hair Gloss
Add to cartBast, Ubasti, Ailuros, Ba-en-Aset. Represented as both a domestic cat and a fierce lioness, she truly evidences traits of both. She is the Mother of All Cats, Goddess of Sensuality, Fertility, and a guardian and protector of women. She is also one of the Eyes of Ra, and in that aspect is an Avenging Goddess, seeking retribution and punishing enemies of her people.
Luxuriant amber, warm Egyptian musk, fierce saffron and soft myrrh, almond, cardamom and golden lotus. -
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Blood Kiss Hair Gloss
Add to cartLush, creamy vanilla and the honey of the sweetest kiss smeared with the vital throb of husky clove, swollen red cherries, but darkened with the vampiric sensuality of vetiver, soporific poppy and blood red wine, and a skin-light pulse of feral musk.
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Bourbon & Bone Hair Gloss
Add to cartClacking white sandalwood drenched in whiskey and a puff of cigar smoke.
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Crack of Thunder Hair Gloss
Add to cartStreaks of blue-white lightning slashing through a plum wine sky.
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Crowley Hair Gloss
Add to cartNothing about him looked particularly demonic, at least by classical standards. No horns, no wings. Admittedly he was listening to a Best of Queen tape, but no conclusions should be drawn from this because all tapes left in a car for more than a fortnights metamorphose into Best of Queen albums. No particularly demonic thoughts were going through his head. In fact, he was wondering vaguely who Moey and Chandon were.
Crowley had dark hair, and good cheekbones, and he was wearing snakeskin shoes, or at least presumably he was wearing shoes, and he could do really weird things with his tongue. And, whenever he forgot himself, he had a tendency to hiss.
Infernal musk, red patchouli, lilac cologne, mahogany, lemon rind, oakmoss, leather, and vanilla husk. -
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Eat Me Hair Gloss
Add to cartSoon her eye fell on a little glass box that was lying under the table: she opened it, and found in it a very small cake, on which the words ‘EAT ME’ were beautifully marked in currants.
‘Well, I’ll eat it,’ said Alice, ‘and if it makes me grow larger, I can reach the key; and if it makes me grow smaller, I can creep under the door; so either way I’ll get into the garden, and I don’t care which happens!’
She ate a little bit, and said anxiously to herself, ‘Which way? Which way?’, holding her hand on the top of her head to feel which way it was growing, and she was quite surprised to find that she remained the same size: to be sure, this generally happens when one eats cake, but Alice had got so much into the way of expecting nothing but out-of-the-way things to happen, that it seemed quite dull and stupid for life to go on in the common way.
Three white cakes, vanilla, and red and black currants.
BPAL’s Eat Me is not for eating. Please use common sense, and remember: hair glosses are for external use only. -
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Hair Loosened & Soiled in Mid Orgies Hair Gloss
Add to cartAll shrines that were Vestal are flameless,
But the flame has not fallen from this;
Though obscure be the god, and though nameless
The eyes and the hair that we kiss;
Low fires that love sits by and forges
Fresh heads for his arrows and thine;
Hair loosened and soiled in mid orgies
With kisses and wine.White honey, warm musk, and ambrette seed.
4oz bottle.
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Implacable Beautiful Tyrant Hair Gloss
Add to cartWhen, with flame all around him aspirant,
Stood flushed, as a harp-player stands,
The implacable beautiful tyrant,
Rose-crowned, having death in his hands;
And a sound as the sound of loud water
Smote far through the flight of the fires,
And mixed with the lightning of slaughter
A thunder of lyres.Golden amber, frankincense, white ginger, and oudh.
4oz bottle.
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La Roue de Malheur Hair Gloss
Add to cartRed musk, blackened patchouli, opium tar, inky oudh, champaca flower, pomegranate pulp, frankincense, and tobacco.
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Morocco Hair Gloss
Add to cartThe intoxicating perfume of heady incenses wafting on warm desert breezes. Arabian spices wind through a blend of warm musk, carnation, red sandalwood and cassia.
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Nerves and Sinew, Wood and Clay Hair Gloss
Out of StockTaut red strings of daemonorops draco and licorice root tugging on carved oak streaked with vetiver and clove with bright nerve-sparks of frankincense and elemi.
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Razors in a Doll’s House Hair Gloss
Add to cartRose water, cognac, and lace slashed with gleaming silver.
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Red Incense Hair Gloss
Add to cartRed sandalwood, myrrh, cinnamon husk, and copal bound with blood, currants, and red wine.
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Snake Oil Hair Gloss
Add to cartSnake Oil was one of my first creations, one of the original BPAL scents, and is as bound up with my own history as it is with the history of Black Phoenix. It is the scent I wore on my wedding day, the scent I wore while giving birth to my child, and it is as much a part of me as my own eyes, breath, or limbs.
Snake Oil has shed its skin, and is back — now with vintage patchouli and dark, rich, aged vanilla absolute. Snake Oil is our signature scent, our first perfume: deep, rich, earthy notes swirled with vegetal musks, sugared vanilla bean, and dark spices.
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Who is Nibbling at my House? Hair Gloss
Add to cart“Save your slobbering,” said the old woman. “It doesn’t help you at all.”
Caramel apples, cardamom cakes, hazelnut cream, and butterscotch.
Body & Beauty - Massage Oil
All of our bath and body products are handmade, and contain the gentlest, most nourishing ingredients imaginable. Black Phoenix’s body line is environmentally-responsible, devoid of harsh chemicals and fillers.
As always, no animals were harmed during the creation of this soap, and all products were tested on friends and family.
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Aeris Massage Oil
Out of StockIn alchemy, the archetype of air represents the movement of spirit and thought. Aeris uses a combination of lemon, verbena, orange blossom, cypress, sweetgrass, white grapefruit, and lavender to help stimulate mental acuity and inspire creativity.
4oz Bottle
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Aquae Massage Oil
Out of StockIn alchemy, the archetype of water represents cleansing and purification, emotion and intuition. We express that essence here through our blend of Roman chamomile, frankincense, sandalwood, helichrysum, davana, geranium, and lavender. This massage oil helps release emotional trauma, alleviates stress, and imparts a sense of tranquility and well-being.
4oz bottle.
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Ignis Massage Oil
Out of StockIn alchemy, the archetype of fire represents activity and transformation. Our blend of ylang ylang, patchouli, sandalwood, myrrh, palmarosa, and King mandarin personifies this classical element, and expresses itself through the stimulation of your sexual energy. This massage oil inspires passion, relaxes inhibitions, and instills you with a sense of power and magnetism.
4oz bottle.
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Terrae Massage Oil
Out of StockIn alchemy, the archetype of earth represents practicality, the manifestation of thought and will, and material creation. Our blend of patchouli, myrrh, spikenard, oakmoss, and clary sage grants a sense of stability, and will help keep you grounded.
4oz bottle.
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TKO Massage Oil
Add to cartSoothing lavender in a blend of skin-softening almond oil, rice bran, and vitamin E.
Many things — such as loving, going to sleep, or behaving unaffectedly — are done worst when we try hardest to do them.
4oz bottle.
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Ugh Massage Oil
Out of StockMuscle ache relief. The combination of arnica, rosehip, evening primrose, almond oil, and apricot kernel oil is high in vitamin C and gamma-linolenic acid, and coupled with analgesic eucalyptus, invigorating orange, and refreshing rosemary, this blend is said to help heal bruises, reduce swelling, and soothe strained muscles and aching tendons.
4oz bottle.
Body & Beauty - Nail Polish
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Allure Nail Polish
Out of StockA sky blue creme, touched with a strange hope, and given depth by an inexplicable, profound sorrow.
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Banyan Nail Polish
Out of StockKelly green linear holographic filled with holo microflake and sparks of blue and green.
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Becoming Thunder Nail Polish
Add to cartA tawny gold holographic that shifts from bronze to green and back again.
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Bruised Violet Nail Polish
Add to cartA vivid memory of injuries long-ago inflicted, of unforgiven horrors and unspeakable hatreds: a metallic sangria-purple, the color of blood welling-not under the skin, but within the soul.
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Buried Secrets Nail Polish
Out of StockThe shimmering blue of midnight, ancient scars, and stifled whispers flickering with the metallic gleam of shadowed knives.
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Coin Trick Nail Polish
Add to cartLime-gold microglitter floating among gold flake. Can be used as a lucky topcoat, or slather on two coats for an opaque treasure chest of gold.
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Czernobog Nail Polish
Add to cartMultichromatic flake that shifts from red to orange to gold seeped in dark steel micro flake.
(This is a “flake topper” that can be opaque in 3-4 thick coats.)
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Dream Awake Nail Polish
Add to cartGleaming metallic gold flares of a powerful imagination. The gilded sheen of a muse’s kiss, the glimmering, vivid glow of a story burning to be told.
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Easter Nail Polish
Add to cartPale pink jelly-like finish packed with iridescent Easter Grass flake.
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Fascination Nail Polish
Add to cartMolten silver: the spark of one mind touching another in perfect understanding.
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Haark Nail Polish
Add to cartBright, lemon yellow linear holographic filled with holo microflake and a coppery sheen.
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Insatiable Nail Polish
Add to cartThe sun-bright flare of all-consuming passion: a ravenous yellow creme.
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Jeweled Spider Nail Polish
Add to cartA base the color of sweet dark coffee with a shimmer that runs throughout this trickster, shifting from red to green.
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Laura Nail Polish
Add to cartPale gray lilac glowing with a shifting sheen that morphs from purple to blue to red.
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Mad Sweeney Nail Polish
Add to cartFour leaf clover green filled with gold shimmer and gold to bronze to silver mulitchromatic flake.
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Mister Wednesday Nail Polish
Add to cartChampagne gold holographic that twists and turns from hues of copper to blue.
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Moth Shadow Nail Polish
Add to cartSoft wings fluttering erratically – ceaselessly – in a trembling, slate-blue gloom.
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Mr. Nancy’s Gloves Nail Polish
Add to cartA pale, sunny lemon-yellow sheen with a touch of scattered holographic.
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Mr. World Nail Polish
Add to cartWhite crelly that appears tinged green in the bottle. Filled with black, gold, and green microflake.
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Natural Science Nail Polish
Add to cartThe laws of the physical world. Soft golden taupe shimmer: the pale brown hum of a locust swarm; the crunch of autumn leaves; the dusty wing of a Pseudosphinx tetrio.
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Nova Nail Polish
Add to cartA soft linear holographic top coat filled with holo microflake and iridescent shifting flake in two different color ways. It can be worn as a topper for any of the other Shards, or alone in 3-4 coats.
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Pyre Nail Polish
Add to cartA stop sign red linear holographic filled with holo microflake and a bit of copper shimmer.
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Quill Nail Polish
Add to cartRoyal blue linear holographic filled with holo microflake and sparks of metallic turquoise.
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Shadow Moon Nail Polish
Out of StockGray creme shot through with a multichromatic shimmer shifting through green and blue to fuchsia with flecks of gold.
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Skull White Nail Polish
Add to cartMetallic skull-white, shards of bone splintering through flesh, blood, and sinew.
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The Blood Must Flow Nail Polish
Out of StockA red jelly filled with floating pieces of metallic flake that range from red to orange and dark steel micro flake.
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The Intangibles Nail Polish
Add to cartBlack based multichromatic that shifts from gold to bronze to green.
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Veile Nail Polish
Add to cartTiger orange linear holographic filled with holo microflake and a bright gold shimmer.
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Zenith Nail Polish
Add to cartRed-based purple linear holographic filled with holo microflake and sparks of rose.
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Zorya Polunochnaya Nail Polish
Out of StockMidnight blue holographic with starfire blue and gold micro flake.