Body & Beauty

Body & Beauty

Body & Beauty - Beard Oil

Our gently-scented oils are a magnificent grooming tool that will moisturize both your beard and your skin. Black Phoenix beard oils add a healthy, gleaming shine while taming and softening your whiskers!

The ridiculous marketing for our beard oils is a parody of Victorian quack medicine and snake oil peddlers. Our beard oils will NOT cure anything – neither giddiness, nor dolorous spiritual complaints – and our ridiculous copywriting is, as they say, jokeses. HOWEVER, they will likely banish miasma.

Black Phoenix’s Beard Oil is paraben and sulfate free, and contains no petro-chemicals, no GMOs, and no triclosan!

BLACK PHOENIX ABHORS ANIMAL TESTING

All Black Phoenix Products are tested on Doc Constantine himself! (Plus friends and family.)

Please exercise common sense when using our beard oils: do not eat, do not snort, do not drink, do not pour into eyes, etc.

If irritation occurs, discontinue use immediately.

Presented in a one ounce amber bottle with dropper top.

Jojoba oil, argan oil, rosehip seed oil, evening primrose oil, grapeseed oil, rosemary oleoresin extract, and Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab fragrance.

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    Aristotle Beard Oil

    ARISTOTLE of Stagira (384 BCE – 322 BCE)

    His Poetica saved the cat 23 centuries before the first screenwriting how-to book.

    The history of Western logic begins with his Organon.

    Aristotle studied under Plato, who studied under Socrates, and this ancient Greek beardy trinity became known as the “fathers of Western philosophy.”

    The founder of the Peripatetic school (named for his custom of walking as he lectured), Aristotle systematically examined human endeavor and the natural world. Though some of his ideas were just plain inaccurate, he not only invented an early version of the scientific method, he was first to categorize similar living things by group, and sorted his treatises by topic (ethics, semantics, economics, politics, religion, zoology, biology, physics) substantially as we study and practice the arts and sciences today.

    Aristotle’s writing blew away contemporaries; yet of 200 works, all that remain are a few dozen crummy sets of lecture notes and compilations by students and students of students.

    We may have lost his legendary eloquence, but even the literary shadows of his original compositions illuminate our thinking a couple of thousand years later.

    If you are the type who likes to stroke your beard and think or to pace and stroke your beard and think, or to pace and stroke your chin and think – for do we have incontrovertible proof he had a beard? – Aristotle will give you something to think… about your beard.

    Gentlemen, see Historia Animalium, Book III, Ch. 11:

    In some cases among men the upper lip and the chin is thickly covered with hair, and in other cases these parts are smooth and the cheeks are hairy; and, by the way, smooth-chinned men are less inclined than bearded men to baldness.

    Ladies, see Historia Animalium, Book III, Ch. 11, a few paragraphs earlier:

    Women do not grow hairs on the chin; except that a scanty beard grows on some women after the monthly courses have stopped; and similar phenomenon is observed at times in priestesses in Caria, but these cases are looked upon as portentous with regard to coming events.

    Thinking about starting an argument? If you’re not starting with Aristotle, maybe you’re not doing it right.

    Oman frankincense, Greek sage, and white juniper.

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    Aziraphale Beard Oil

    Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide. Two of these were wrong; Heaven is not England, whatever certain poets may have thought, and angels are sexless unless they really want to make an effort.

    Ethereal musk, blonde woods, and dusty Bible accord.

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    Bram Stoker Beard Oil

    No man knows till he has suffered from the night how sweet and dear to his heart and eye the morning can be.

    Bourbon vetiver with opoponax, Italian bergamot, and hay absolute.

    Illustrated by Abigail Larson.

    Purchase the tee here!

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    Byronic Antihero Beard Oil

    He stood – some dread was on his face,
    Soon Hatred settled in its place:
    It rose not with the reddening flush
    Of transient Anger’s hasty blush,
    But pale as marble o’er the tomb,
    Whose ghastly whiteness aids its gloom.
    His brow was bent, his eye was glazed;
    He raised his arm, and fiercely raised,
    And sternly shook his hand on high,
    As doubting to return or fly;
    Impatient of his flight delay’d,
    Here loud his raven charger neigh’d —
    Down glanced that hand, and grasp’d his blade;
    That sound had burst his waking dream,
    As Slumber starts at owlet’s scream,
    The spur hath lanced his courser’s sides;
    Away, away, for life he rides:
    Swift as the hurl’d on high jerreed
    Springs to the touch his startled steed:
    The rock is doubled, and the shore
    Shakes with the clattering tramp no more:
    The crag is won, no more is seen
    His Christian crest and haughty mien.
    ‘T was but an instant he restrain’d
    That fiery barb so sternly rein’d;
    ‘T was but a moment that he stood,
    Then sped as if by death pursued;
    But in that instant o’er his soul
    Winters of Memory seem’d to roll,
    And gather in that drop of time
    A life of pain, an age of crime.
    O’er him who loves, or hates, or fears,
    Such moment pours the grief of years:
    What felt he then, at once opprest
    By all that most distracts the breast?
    That pause, which ponder’d o’er his fate,
    Oh, who its dreary length shall date !
    Though in Time’s record nearly nought,
    It was Eternity to Thought !
    For infinite as boundless space
    The thought that Conscience must embrace,
    Which in itself can comprehend
    Woe without name, or hope, or end.

    – The Giaour, Lord Byron

    An aristocratic cologne of titanic passions, moody and brooding. This scent is dark with disillusionment and cynicism: a Victorian fougère and a dashing carnation boutonniere tainted by a cloud of khus, yew, and patchouli.

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    Crowley Beard Oil

    Nothing about him looked particularly demonic, at least by classical standards. No horns, no wings. Admittedly he was listening to a Best of Queen tape, but no conclusions should be drawn from this because all tapes left in a car for more than a fortnights metamorphose into Best of Queen albums. No particularly demonic thoughts were going through his head. In fact, he was wondering vaguely who Moey and Chandon were.

    Crowley had dark hair, and good cheekbones, and he was wearing snakeskin shoes, or at least presumably he was wearing shoes, and he could do really weird things with his tongue. And, whenever he forgot himself, he had a tendency to hiss.

    Infernal musk, red patchouli, lilac cologne, mahogany, lemon rind, oakmoss, leather, and vanilla husk.

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    Daddy by EFFY Beard Oil

    Not all daddies have beards, and not all beards belong to daddies! That’s why EFFY’s unisex fragrance DADDY by EFFY is now available as a perfume blend and a beard oil, to make sure your bases are covered. (Note: do not apply to your third base area! Face-beards only, por favor.)

    The scent is the same! A roll in the hay with a sexy demon daddy: a diabolical incense with a splash of bay rum and a hiss of infernal fougere.

    Label photo credit: Jordan Nachole Hall

    The accompanying perfume oil can be found here.

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    Dee Beard Oil

    John Dee: master of science, alchemy and magic, Hermetic philosopher in the schools of Rosicrucian Christian Mysticism and Platonic-Pythagorean doctrine, and Queen Elizabeth’s astrologer, advisor, cryptologist and spy. With Edward Kelly, he created a field of study and work in Angelic Evocation, and isolated the Angelic language: Enochian. His scent is soft English leather, rosewood and tonka with a hint of incense, parchment and soft woods.

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    Dorian Beard Oil

    The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself.

    Inspired by and created for my beloved Tedwin: my eternal, beautiful, wicked Dorian Gray. Refined, elegant, and lovely, with a noble bearing and seemingly gentle air. This blend is an artful deception: a sweet gilded blossom lying over a twisted and corrupted core. A Victorian fougere with three pale musks and dark, sugared vanilla tea.

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  • dwarven lustre

    Dwarven Lustre Beard Oil

    Dwarves have the highest standards in beard care, and we aim to please even the grimmest and grouchiest of the lot. Patchouli root, golden amber coins, jewel-bright red musk, mineral oudh, and sweet ale.

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    Jolly Roger Beard Oil

    Sea spray with an undercurrent of leather, Bay Rum, and salty, dry woods.

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  • lich please

    Lich, Please Beard Oil

    Even the undead need to look sharp. Crypt moss and coffin wood, incense smoke and shards of bone.

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    Socius Beard Oil

    A solid, steadfast blend of patchouli, smoked vanilla husk, ambergris accord, and tawny oudh.

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  • supahwizard

    Supahwizard Beard Oil

    Are you a famous, gruff, all-powerful sage shacked up in a quaint local village, dispensing advice to adventurers? Have you sent any hobbits on quests? Died battling epic demons, only to rise again? Are you the wisest, most venerable wizard in town? Well, you don’t have to be – but you can fake it with our Supahwizard Beard Oil!

     

    Frankincense, sweet pipe tobacco, and the well-worn leather and parchment of ancient tomes.

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  • The Antikythera Mechanism Beard Oil

    Bronze gears spin inside a polished wooden case, and an entire universe dances within.

    Teakwood, oak, black vanilla, and tobacco.

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    Villain Beard Oil

    A classic Victorian cologne: lavender fougere, with hints of lilac, lime, and citrus musk.

    Out of Stock

Body & Beauty - Hair Gloss

Black Phoenix’s Hair Gloss is paraben and sulfate free, and contains no petro-chemicals, no GMOs, and no triclosan.

Our hair gloss has a six-month shelf life.

Handmade by Black Phoenix. As always, no animals were harmed during the creation of this product, and all products were tested on friends and family.

Please exercise common sense when using our HAIR GLOSS: do not eat, do not snort, do not drink, do not pour into eyes, etc. If irritation occurs, discontinue use immediately.

Cyclomethicone, botanisil, Vitamin E, argan oil, Tahitian monoi oil, camelina oil, and karanja oil.

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    Alice Hair Gloss

    Curiouser and curiouser. Milk and honey with rose, carnation and bergamot.

    Out of Stock
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    Amber and Steel Hooks Hair Gloss

    With a touch of oak bark and bourbon vanilla.

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  • Aziraphale Hair Gloss

    Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide. Two of these were wrong; Heaven is not England, whatever certain poets may have thought, and angels are sexless unless they really want to make an effort.

    Ethereal musk, blonde woods, and dusty Bible accord.

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  • Bastet Hair Gloss

    Bast, Ubasti, Ailuros, Ba-en-Aset. Represented as both a domestic cat and a fierce lioness, she truly evidences traits of both. She is the Mother of All Cats, Goddess of Sensuality, Fertility, and a guardian and protector of women. She is also one of the Eyes of Ra, and in that aspect is an Avenging Goddess, seeking retribution and punishing enemies of her people.

    Luxuriant amber, warm Egyptian musk, fierce saffron and soft myrrh, almond, cardamom and golden lotus.

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  • Blood Kiss Hair Gloss

    Lush, creamy vanilla and the honey of the sweetest kiss smeared with the vital throb of husky clove, swollen red cherries, but darkened with the vampiric sensuality of vetiver, soporific poppy and blood red wine, and a skin-light pulse of feral musk.

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    Bourbon & Bone Hair Gloss

    Clacking white sandalwood drenched in whiskey and a puff of cigar smoke.

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    Crack of Thunder Hair Gloss

    Streaks of blue-white lightning slashing through a plum wine sky.

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  • Crowley Hair Gloss

    Nothing about him looked particularly demonic, at least by classical standards. No horns, no wings. Admittedly he was listening to a Best of Queen tape, but no conclusions should be drawn from this because all tapes left in a car for more than a fortnights metamorphose into Best of Queen albums. No particularly demonic thoughts were going through his head. In fact, he was wondering vaguely who Moey and Chandon were.

    Crowley had dark hair, and good cheekbones, and he was wearing snakeskin shoes, or at least presumably he was wearing shoes, and he could do really weird things with his tongue. And, whenever he forgot himself, he had a tendency to hiss.

    Infernal musk, red patchouli, lilac cologne, mahogany, lemon rind, oakmoss, leather, and vanilla husk.

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  • Eat Me Hair Gloss

    Soon her eye fell on a little glass box that was lying under the table: she opened it, and found in it a very small cake, on which the words ‘EAT ME’ were beautifully marked in currants.

    ‘Well, I’ll eat it,’ said Alice, ‘and if it makes me grow larger, I can reach the key; and if it makes me grow smaller, I can creep under the door; so either way I’ll get into the garden, and I don’t care which happens!’

    She ate a little bit, and said anxiously to herself, ‘Which way? Which way?’, holding her hand on the top of her head to feel which way it was growing, and she was quite surprised to find that she remained the same size: to be sure, this generally happens when one eats cake, but Alice had got so much into the way of expecting nothing but out-of-the-way things to happen, that it seemed quite dull and stupid for life to go on in the common way.

    Three white cakes, vanilla, and red and black currants.

    BPAL’s Eat Me is not for eating. Please use common sense, and remember: hair glosses are for external use only.

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    Hair Loosened & Soiled in Mid Orgies Hair Gloss

    All shrines that were Vestal are flameless,
    But the flame has not fallen from this;
    Though obscure be the god, and though nameless
    The eyes and the hair that we kiss;
    Low fires that love sits by and forges
    Fresh heads for his arrows and thine;
    Hair loosened and soiled in mid orgies

    With kisses and wine.

    White honey, warm musk, and ambrette seed.

    4oz bottle.

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    Implacable Beautiful Tyrant Hair Gloss

    When, with flame all around him aspirant,
    Stood flushed, as a harp-player stands,
    The implacable beautiful tyrant,
    Rose-crowned, having death in his hands;
    And a sound as the sound of loud water
    Smote far through the flight of the fires,
    And mixed with the lightning of slaughter
    A thunder of lyres.

    Golden amber, frankincense, white ginger, and oudh.

    4oz bottle.

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    La Roue de Malheur Hair Gloss

    Red musk, blackened patchouli, opium tar, inky oudh, champaca flower, pomegranate pulp, frankincense, and tobacco.

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    Mischief Hair Gloss

    Blood-spattered cotton candy.

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    Morocco Hair Gloss

    The intoxicating perfume of heady incenses wafting on warm desert breezes. Arabian spices wind through a blend of warm musk, carnation, red sandalwood and cassia.

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    Nerves and Sinew, Wood and Clay Hair Gloss

    Taut red strings of daemonorops draco and licorice root tugging on carved oak streaked with vetiver and clove with bright nerve-sparks of frankincense and elemi.

    Out of Stock
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    Razors in a Doll’s House Hair Gloss

    Rose water, cognac, and lace slashed with gleaming silver.

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    Red Incense Hair Gloss

    Red sandalwood, myrrh, cinnamon husk, and copal bound with blood, currants, and red wine.

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    Screeching Revenant Hair Gloss

    Icy blue musk, eucalyptus, white pine, and opoponax.

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    Snake Oil Hair Gloss

    Snake Oil was one of my first creations, one of the original BPAL scents, and is as bound up with my own history as it is with the history of Black Phoenix. It is the scent I wore on my wedding day, the scent I wore while giving birth to my child, and it is as much a part of me as my own eyes, breath, or limbs.

    Snake Oil has shed its skin, and is back — now with vintage patchouli and dark, rich, aged vanilla absolute. Snake Oil is our signature scent, our first perfume: deep, rich, earthy notes swirled with vegetal musks, sugared vanilla bean, and dark spices.

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    Who is Nibbling at my House? Hair Gloss

    “Save your slobbering,” said the old woman. “It doesn’t help you at all.”
    Caramel apples, cardamom cakes, hazelnut cream, and butterscotch.

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Body & Beauty - Massage Oil

All of our bath and body products are handmade, and contain the gentlest, most nourishing ingredients imaginable. Black Phoenix’s body line is environmentally-responsible, devoid of harsh chemicals and fillers.

As always, no animals were harmed during the creation of this soap, and all products were tested on friends and family.

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    Aeris Massage Oil

    In alchemy, the archetype of air represents the movement of spirit and thought. Aeris uses a combination of lemon, verbena, orange blossom, cypress, sweetgrass, white grapefruit, and lavender to help stimulate mental acuity and inspire creativity.

    4oz Bottle

    Out of Stock
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    Aquae Massage Oil

    In alchemy, the archetype of water represents cleansing and purification, emotion and intuition. We express that essence here through our blend of Roman chamomile, frankincense, sandalwood, helichrysum, davana, geranium, and lavender. This massage oil helps release emotional trauma, alleviates stress, and imparts a sense of tranquility and well-being.

    4oz bottle.

    Out of Stock
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    Ignis Massage Oil

    In alchemy, the archetype of fire represents activity and transformation. Our blend of ylang ylang, patchouli, sandalwood, myrrh, palmarosa, and King mandarin personifies this classical element, and expresses itself through the stimulation of your sexual energy. This massage oil inspires passion, relaxes inhibitions, and instills you with a sense of power and magnetism.

    4oz bottle.

    Out of Stock
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    Terrae Massage Oil

    In alchemy, the archetype of earth represents practicality, the manifestation of thought and will, and material creation. Our blend of patchouli, myrrh, spikenard, oakmoss, and clary sage grants a sense of stability, and will help keep you grounded.

    4oz bottle.

    Out of Stock
  • TKO Massage Oil

    Soothing lavender in a blend of skin-softening almond oil, rice bran, and vitamin E.

    Many things — such as loving, going to sleep, or behaving unaffectedly — are done worst when we try hardest to do them.

    4oz bottle.

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    Ugh Massage Oil

    Muscle ache relief. The combination of arnica, rosehip, evening primrose, almond oil, and apricot kernel oil is high in vitamin C and gamma-linolenic acid, and coupled with analgesic eucalyptus, invigorating orange, and refreshing rosemary, this blend is said to help heal bruises, reduce swelling, and soothe strained muscles and aching tendons.

    4oz bottle.

    Out of Stock

Body & Beauty - Nail Polish